changed forever

Let's see...life has been a whirlwind the past few months and it would take a book to talk about everything I have been through. But now I am at school for the summer working on my tan at the pool as a lifeguard! But there has been a lot of down time which is unusual for me. So getting used to it has been a transition.

So to preface a little bit. I spent the past semester in Colorado Springs, Colorado at Focus Leadership Institute. It was an...amazing experience. There are so many better words I can use for the semester but it's hard to put it in other words. I did a lot of reading, exploring the beautiful mountains of Colorado and had experiences and met people that have changed my life forever. And although that may sound so cliche and redundant it is so true and there are no other ways to explain it.

So being home now away from my amazing friends has been quite the transition. My class had 44 people in it and with classes together, meals together, living in apartments together, and pretty much doing everything together to being spread across the country has been hard. These people made me think and ask questions that I had never thought about before. I started thinking about things like:

Why am I the way I am?

What has shaped me?

Is what I believe really real?

What baffles my mind and breaks my heart?

Where do I see myself in a few years; school-wise, spiritually, ect?

What is one attribute about God that annoys or upsets you the most?

...and many others. My class mates and I wrestled with what it means to be a young Christian adult in todays culture and society and how we can be world changers. How we can bring the truth and light of Christ to a world who is so against us. I learned so much and I know I will be processing it for years to come. Which will be the fun part.

I only wish I wasn't 16 hours from my closet friend.

"I'm not going back....I'm moving ahead."

FINALS! ahhhhh I hate finals week. There are pros and cons I guess. Pros: it is the end of the semester and classes are finally over! Plus the holiday season is right around the corner :) and Christmas trees are everywhere! cons: the work. I mean how can professors expect you to cram everything you learned from the whole semester into one test and only have a week or so to do it all...AND have one for each class. I get the point but it is still tough. Walking around campus this weekend there was an ominous feeling. Like everyone was anxious but dead at the same time. I for one do not really want to go home for break. My school has turned into a home for me. With my friends and just having my schedule and everything here. It is always good to be here. I love my family, I do. But there is just something about being at school and growing up that makes me want to stay.

I also want to stay because next semester I am not coming back. I am studying away for a semester out in Colorado Springs, Colorado at Focus Leadership Institute! I am really excited to go out there and more excited about the experiences I will have and the friends I will make. BUT the down side is I do not get to see my friends for a really long time. I was thinking about it driving to church this morning and I almost cried (and I am not a crier) It is so sad. I know it will be a good experience but it will be different. I am ready to grow in my faith and leadership and just in myself. I am excited to see how much I change after a semester out there. So this week is going to be hard for me....as well as studying, I have to pack and say good bye to my best friends until I can see them again in April. *sigh*

...well back to studying!

bad moods

I hate bad moods. Especially when you do not know why you are really in a bad mood. And every little thing gets you frustrated or mad. I had one of those days today. Little things just seemed to get me frustrated. And that would get me more frustrated. Why do we let ourselves get that way? why do we let little things bother us so much?

I am reading the book Eat Pray Love and the author is in Rome. She talks about how the Italians are so laid back and don't let many things bother them. I wish America could be like that sometimes. We seem so self centered and focused on our own self we become too concerned about ourselves. By doing that, it seems, everything is a big deal. People don't like us? no worries! Family is bothering you? no worries!

I want to learn to live with no worries and not let the little things bother me. Just to take a deep breath and relax when the world around you is going crazy! But I do not have the money to go to Rome to figure that out. So I guess I will stay at home and go from there.

busy bee

I have been working so much the whole summer and haven't had a chance to write a lot. Which is kind of a bummer because I have come to realize I really like to write, journal, ect. It is fun. My thoughts always seem to be in tangle so I write to be able to understand them better haha. I guess that is a good thing. Writing for me can sometimes help me think through a problem.

Well it was my mom's birthday yesterday and we had a lot of fun. My brothers and sister and I (plus my mom) went to a flee market in the morning and surprisingly everyone acted nice. No fights and we all enjoyed ourselves.

I wich I had more to write but I am currently drawing a blank. I must run to the back though to deposit a pay check :) So I will have to say peace!

"when we go forward we miss the things we leave behind, that's what make our hearts so full."

Its' weird how fast I've grown up, so to say. I went to my youngest brother and sisters graduation tonight from eighth grade and it was strange. I don't remember mine at all. Just bits and pieces. After the ceremony I was walking through all the new graduates hugging and crying like they would never see each other again. To my other brother he laughed and wondered why they were taking it so seriously but at their point in life it is huge for them. And it must be weird going to a new place next year. I know I was scared. I went from a class of 108 to a class of 500 and it was weird. I miss the days where worrying about friends and what to wear was the worst of my worries. I go back to my old middle school and elementary school and I know few of the teachers because all the teachers that taught me are slowly retiring.

I've come to see the value of old memories and activities. But as much as i miss the old days I know I have to move on because that is a part of growing up. I have played field hockey for 8 years and I decided not to continue this fall. It has always been a part of who I am. I know people stereotype me as an athlete (and some of those stereotypes aren't good) But this year at school I have kind of decided to start over. In growing up I am in the process of finding myself and I am changing some of my priorities. I know I'll miss it and my friends on the team but its not over. And like those kids in 8th grade don't know, i'll still see my friends. But "as we go forward we miss the things we leave behind. That's what makes our hearts so full."

I'm not quite sure if any of that made sense or was necessary, just trying to think out loud. :)

draw me closer

So I got a new cd called Ordinary Dreamers by Group 1 Crew and I love it! Some of the songs really express what I have been feeling lately and I feel God through it.

This is the chorus of one of their songs....Closer:

Take my life, I need you now
Draw me closer draw me closer
I'm on my knees, I'm crying out
Draw me closer I want to be closer to you

I like it a lot! And it kinda goes along with my life right now. Just some things to ponder.

dreams

what I find in my dreams are what are special to me

but when I bring those dreams back into reality....

I can only dream.