another year older = another year wiser

Today is my birthday! It's been a blast so far (and it's only 4:30 in the afternoon) It is my 21st and it does feel weird to have passed this big milestone. I know this one of the last birthdays for a while that have cards with the age actually on them. I have about 10 cards on my wall that have the number 21 on the front.
I woke up this morning to tripping over a few balloons my roommates had put in our bathroom hallway. The walls had posters on them with random pictures of me that said some form of 'happy birthday'. So I got ready and headed out to class...when I walked outside my door and the hallway walls had posters everywhere. All the way out of my dorm were pictures of me and signs saying happy birthday. I love my friends :) Then got a chance to open cards from my family and friends that I received in the mail. (gotta love mail as a college student) People said happy birthday to me as I was walking around campus. My one friend came up to me loudly singing happy birthday! It's cool but weird getting all the attention for a day.
My friend Jarid called me at lunch and it was so great to hear from him! (since he lives in california I don't see him much) Then a calls from my grandma and great aunt and uncle. Then a call from a random number saying someone sent me an edible arrangements bouquet! I have never gotten one before!! And I am waiting now for him to drop it off...the best part is I have no clue who sent it. I'm trying to think of people but I think it is more fun not knowing.
Which that mind set it kinda ironic with what I have been going through lately. Being a senior in college people have stopped just asking what your major is and asking what I am going to do with it next year. I know God wants me to work with teenagers in some form of ministry. But not knowing where I will be or who I will be with in a year is, yes exciting, but at the same time kinda scary. Not knowing is scary and learning to trust God when you have no clue what is going to happen in your life is...hard. I do not know what to expect and as much as I love surprises I would like to know some things.
Trusting God has been popping up a lot in my life lately. Through devos, chapel and one of my friends this week through an email. I feel like He is maybe trying to tell me something. Now all I need to do is just listen.
From one of my cd's I got today for my birthday:  by Lecrae Background
"I could play the background
I could play the background
Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead"



So I think I will try to let God do the driving and I'll just be the passenger in the background...cause I know I get in the way. 

I'm gunna drive...

Ever have just a completely crazy idea that is so crazy it just might work?? Well I have one of those and it makes no sense and so much sense all at the same time! So I'm going to write it out so 1) I don't forget and 2) that is actually makes somewhat some type of sense.
So one of my friends from FLI is getting married this October and invited the whole institute to come to her wedding. I am so excited for her! She is such a sweet person and she was a part of my life group so we spent a bunch of time together. Her wedding happens to fall on October 21 of this year. Which happens to be during my fall break. I was looking to go somewhere during fall break too, to see some of my friends and this was perfect!
So then started my small predicament. See she lives in Oklahoma and I go to school in Pennsylvania. Not the closest of states. So my first thought was to look up flights. Now flights to Oklahoma are so expensive! I don't understand it really. I got a flight out to Colorado this summer and it was cheaper than Oklahoma. And the flight would be taking me to Denver or Dallas then a transfer flight to OK. So that didn't really make sense either.
So next thought....road trip!! I have a friend out here at school that went to FLI with me and asked him if he wanted to road trip it out there. He said he'd think about it but wasn't sure yet. So I started planning different routes. So this is what I came up with...
I have family in Virginia so I could start out drive 4 hrs or so to VA and hang out for a lil and have a nice driving break. Then start out on my 10 hr drive to TN to possibly pick up another friend. So I could drive 5 hours then take a good rest then drive the last 5 hours. So that would be the first day. Stay with her that night. Next day! I (or we) would leave TN and make our way up to Springfield, Missouri where my other friend lives (who wants to go to the wedding) That  would be around a 7 hr drive. But not too bad if we switch on and off. Then stay with her that night then the next day would be the wedding. So from Missouri we would drive the easy 3 hours to the wedding and our friend (who is getting married) has somewhere for us to stay :) So it all works out! Plus I might even get to see my one friend (I mentioned him in a previous post) and possibly surprise him. :)
So it all kinda works out! And the same thing on the way back except maybe stopping at my cousins school in TN to stay with her a night.
I am ready to go! Now I just have to wait over a month for it to happen! It seems to all be falling into place and it's getting me excited to see some of my old friends again and come one...who doesn't love a good road trip!
And I will post how is goes after the trip...hopefully I won't break down somewhere...that reminds me I should get my car checked before I go...OH and make a rockin' playlist :)

"..and now I patiently wait"

Taking things day by day. That sounds so easy sometimes. Like just relax and not worry about the future because God is in control. Just take things day by day because then you can live in the moment and have more fun. Sometimes I feel like taking things day by day is harder than it sounds. I'm a senior in college. What comes next for me? I only have a year to figure my whole life out it seems. Sometimes I wish God could send me a memo on what I need to do or how things are suppose to pan out.

I'm not usually a person who worries a lot or a big planner. I'd rather take things as they come...kinda like day by day. So what makes it so difficult to take some things day by day and some not?? Is there such a thing as not caring enough? Like being too laid back on life?

I understand trusting God completely and knowing that His will is best for us and He knows what is best for us. But in some instances I wish He could tell us what that plan is. Is it wrong to just be too chill for everything in life? So chill that you don't do or worry about anything because you know God is going to "handle it" so to say. Does that even make sense?

Maybe I'm just rambling but I know some things will be hard to take day by day..but I'll be praying that I can do it with God's help. And hopefully that's possible. But then again...anything is possible with God.

make new friends but keep the old...

Friends are so important! I am starting to really realize that. Or God reminded me this morning how important Christian community is. In my small group this past semester we spent every wednesday night going through Acts 2:42-47.

"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."

We looked at community in terms of relationships, worship, hospitality, prayer and breaking of bread. It was such a blessing to get together with these wonderful women and sisters in christ and talk about community and learn what God wanted us to take out of Christian community.

I was trying to just have it be God and I and try not to let my personal insecurities take up others time. Then I realized it cant be like that. Christian community is really important. You need those Christian friends to build you up spiritually and help keep you grounded and be able to call you out on things when you start to get carried away. And that can happen sometimes with me. I love my friends and its good to have a reminder how blessed I am to have them in my life. I am at school for the summer and my friends aren't here and it's been a little hard not having that influence I had during the year. I came from a program with GREAT community and coming back to anything less has been a bit hard to get used to. Yes, I miss my friends but its good to know how much they love and care about me and how blessed I am to have them in my life.

Seasons of Love

No the title has nothing do to with love and stuff. I just like that song from rent and this post has to do with seasons. Leaving Colorado in the end of April was tough for me. It was the end of a season and the beginning of another. The changing of seasons sometimes is painful. I know a lot of people get sick when seasons change. You can say I was spiritually sick for a while. So as I was trying to figure things out one of my devos really spoke to me.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." ~Isaiah 43:18-19

At first I read that verse and was like, "forget?? why do I want to forget??" But I realized I was dwelling too much on what had happened and still living in the past. And when I do that I miss what is right in front of me. Which is God. I was starting to forget how He understands what I am going through and I can lean on Him. I know that a new season is coming in my life and I know God will be working through me in so many ways! And to tell you the truth I can not wait!!

I am learning about being vulnerable too. I know that sometimes it is necessary. I have been known to be really good at hiding what I am really feeling. In the long run that never seems to pan out well for me. I am realizing that it is not good for anyone. There is someone in my life I know I need to be completely honest and open with and that scares me. I am scared I will be rejected, but who does not fear that. But I know we both deserve the honesty and I know that stepping out will be something I need desperately. So that will be exciting and nerve wracking all together!

Besides all that I got a chance to visit some of my close friends from FLI this past weekend in Colorado springs! It was a blast!! I also got to see

some of my old professors and staff members from the institute and met some of the current students. It was a great time to see old and make new friends. The five days went way to fast and I am not a fan of the humidity and bugs of the east coast :p Here is a pic of some of my friends and I white water rafting

and hiking! (side note: no one fell out of the raft while rafting! we beasted it even when it started to thunderstorm!)

The Vineyard's Song

I started through Isaiah this morning and one of the passages really hit me. I reached Isaiah 5 and it is a parable. This parable (or story) is about a man who is going to build a vineyard on a 'fertile hillside'. He cleared the land of stones and picked the best plants to go there. He then built a watch tower and a winepress and waits for the crops to come.

Of course as any farmer or gardener you assume that if you do everything right you will get good crops. Well so did this planter...When the vines started to grow it only produced 'bad fruit.' So Isaiah asks:

"What more could have been done for my vineyard than I have done for it? When I looked for good grapes, why did it yield only bad?"

He then describes what he is going to do because the fruit turned out bad.

"I will take away its hedge, and it will be destroyed; I will break down its wall, and it will be trampled. I will make it a wasteland, neither pruned nor cultivated, and briers and thorns will grow there. I will command the clouds not to rain on it."

After reading that I stopped. And re-read it and re-read it again. It hit me...hard. The passage is talking about how God plants good seeds in our lives for us to prosper and grow. But usually we turn out 'bad fruit' so to say. So He takes it away from us. He breaks us down so we are vulnerable. He makes it dry and makes us thirst for Him but He won't send rain.

I realized yesterday that I have been feeling kind of comfortable where I am right now and it put me in a funk. Coming back from Colorado and the amazing time I had out there fueled me for a little bit but not my life has turned mundane. I want the uncomfortable again because it made me grow. Spending a semester at FLI, during the first week I asked God to break down my walls (cause I have quite a few) and to make me vulnerable. He did indeed do that. I struggled through a lot of things and came out so much stronger in the end. But I miss the mind bending and heart mending conversations I had with my friends out there. And I am starting to thirst for that kind of spiritual growth again.

Another big thing that hit me with this passage was; "I will take away its hedge, and it will be destroyed..." Vines need something to grown on but take that away and they fall hard. Sometimes you can grow on something that is not good for you...or depend too much. So when that is taken away....it's really bad. In Colorado I met this guy, (at the institute) and we got along really well. I don't really have a definition for it but we were pretty much kinda dating when we were out there. But with him living in Oklahoma and me in new jersey...long distance has been really hard and we are seeing what the summer brings. When we graduated and left the institute it was really hard to say goodbye to everyone because I live so far! My one friend, when he was leaving, gave me a hug and said, "Don't let your guy be put before God, because if he is, God will take it away." That stuck with me...even though, at the time I was half asleep, he had just woken me up.

I have given my relationship with him up to God a lot and believe me when I say...easier said than done. The long distance is hard and even harder when there is no definition of what we are. So I have been building my trust that God will let it all work out. But yes because I am human, I have struggled in keeping God first and when ever that happens I see it slipping away. And can hear God just saying, "Kaitlin, watch it. Remember me and who I am." So as I continue to grow and trust in Him I hope I can be the vine that is not dependent on some bad stuff (I don't know much about vines) but on a strong, sturdy, stable thing that won't let me down. And I will be working on letting that be God.

changed forever

Let's see...life has been a whirlwind the past few months and it would take a book to talk about everything I have been through. But now I am at school for the summer working on my tan at the pool as a lifeguard! But there has been a lot of down time which is unusual for me. So getting used to it has been a transition.

So to preface a little bit. I spent the past semester in Colorado Springs, Colorado at Focus Leadership Institute. It was an...amazing experience. There are so many better words I can use for the semester but it's hard to put it in other words. I did a lot of reading, exploring the beautiful mountains of Colorado and had experiences and met people that have changed my life forever. And although that may sound so cliche and redundant it is so true and there are no other ways to explain it.

So being home now away from my amazing friends has been quite the transition. My class had 44 people in it and with classes together, meals together, living in apartments together, and pretty much doing everything together to being spread across the country has been hard. These people made me think and ask questions that I had never thought about before. I started thinking about things like:

Why am I the way I am?

What has shaped me?

Is what I believe really real?

What baffles my mind and breaks my heart?

Where do I see myself in a few years; school-wise, spiritually, ect?

What is one attribute about God that annoys or upsets you the most?

...and many others. My class mates and I wrestled with what it means to be a young Christian adult in todays culture and society and how we can be world changers. How we can bring the truth and light of Christ to a world who is so against us. I learned so much and I know I will be processing it for years to come. Which will be the fun part.

I only wish I wasn't 16 hours from my closet friend.