make new friends but keep the old...

Friends are so important! I am starting to really realize that. Or God reminded me this morning how important Christian community is. In my small group this past semester we spent every wednesday night going through Acts 2:42-47.

"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."

We looked at community in terms of relationships, worship, hospitality, prayer and breaking of bread. It was such a blessing to get together with these wonderful women and sisters in christ and talk about community and learn what God wanted us to take out of Christian community.

I was trying to just have it be God and I and try not to let my personal insecurities take up others time. Then I realized it cant be like that. Christian community is really important. You need those Christian friends to build you up spiritually and help keep you grounded and be able to call you out on things when you start to get carried away. And that can happen sometimes with me. I love my friends and its good to have a reminder how blessed I am to have them in my life. I am at school for the summer and my friends aren't here and it's been a little hard not having that influence I had during the year. I came from a program with GREAT community and coming back to anything less has been a bit hard to get used to. Yes, I miss my friends but its good to know how much they love and care about me and how blessed I am to have them in my life.

Seasons of Love

No the title has nothing do to with love and stuff. I just like that song from rent and this post has to do with seasons. Leaving Colorado in the end of April was tough for me. It was the end of a season and the beginning of another. The changing of seasons sometimes is painful. I know a lot of people get sick when seasons change. You can say I was spiritually sick for a while. So as I was trying to figure things out one of my devos really spoke to me.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." ~Isaiah 43:18-19

At first I read that verse and was like, "forget?? why do I want to forget??" But I realized I was dwelling too much on what had happened and still living in the past. And when I do that I miss what is right in front of me. Which is God. I was starting to forget how He understands what I am going through and I can lean on Him. I know that a new season is coming in my life and I know God will be working through me in so many ways! And to tell you the truth I can not wait!!

I am learning about being vulnerable too. I know that sometimes it is necessary. I have been known to be really good at hiding what I am really feeling. In the long run that never seems to pan out well for me. I am realizing that it is not good for anyone. There is someone in my life I know I need to be completely honest and open with and that scares me. I am scared I will be rejected, but who does not fear that. But I know we both deserve the honesty and I know that stepping out will be something I need desperately. So that will be exciting and nerve wracking all together!

Besides all that I got a chance to visit some of my close friends from FLI this past weekend in Colorado springs! It was a blast!! I also got to see

some of my old professors and staff members from the institute and met some of the current students. It was a great time to see old and make new friends. The five days went way to fast and I am not a fan of the humidity and bugs of the east coast :p Here is a pic of some of my friends and I white water rafting

and hiking! (side note: no one fell out of the raft while rafting! we beasted it even when it started to thunderstorm!)

The Vineyard's Song

I started through Isaiah this morning and one of the passages really hit me. I reached Isaiah 5 and it is a parable. This parable (or story) is about a man who is going to build a vineyard on a 'fertile hillside'. He cleared the land of stones and picked the best plants to go there. He then built a watch tower and a winepress and waits for the crops to come.

Of course as any farmer or gardener you assume that if you do everything right you will get good crops. Well so did this planter...When the vines started to grow it only produced 'bad fruit.' So Isaiah asks:

"What more could have been done for my vineyard than I have done for it? When I looked for good grapes, why did it yield only bad?"

He then describes what he is going to do because the fruit turned out bad.

"I will take away its hedge, and it will be destroyed; I will break down its wall, and it will be trampled. I will make it a wasteland, neither pruned nor cultivated, and briers and thorns will grow there. I will command the clouds not to rain on it."

After reading that I stopped. And re-read it and re-read it again. It hit me...hard. The passage is talking about how God plants good seeds in our lives for us to prosper and grow. But usually we turn out 'bad fruit' so to say. So He takes it away from us. He breaks us down so we are vulnerable. He makes it dry and makes us thirst for Him but He won't send rain.

I realized yesterday that I have been feeling kind of comfortable where I am right now and it put me in a funk. Coming back from Colorado and the amazing time I had out there fueled me for a little bit but not my life has turned mundane. I want the uncomfortable again because it made me grow. Spending a semester at FLI, during the first week I asked God to break down my walls (cause I have quite a few) and to make me vulnerable. He did indeed do that. I struggled through a lot of things and came out so much stronger in the end. But I miss the mind bending and heart mending conversations I had with my friends out there. And I am starting to thirst for that kind of spiritual growth again.

Another big thing that hit me with this passage was; "I will take away its hedge, and it will be destroyed..." Vines need something to grown on but take that away and they fall hard. Sometimes you can grow on something that is not good for you...or depend too much. So when that is taken away....it's really bad. In Colorado I met this guy, (at the institute) and we got along really well. I don't really have a definition for it but we were pretty much kinda dating when we were out there. But with him living in Oklahoma and me in new jersey...long distance has been really hard and we are seeing what the summer brings. When we graduated and left the institute it was really hard to say goodbye to everyone because I live so far! My one friend, when he was leaving, gave me a hug and said, "Don't let your guy be put before God, because if he is, God will take it away." That stuck with me...even though, at the time I was half asleep, he had just woken me up.

I have given my relationship with him up to God a lot and believe me when I say...easier said than done. The long distance is hard and even harder when there is no definition of what we are. So I have been building my trust that God will let it all work out. But yes because I am human, I have struggled in keeping God first and when ever that happens I see it slipping away. And can hear God just saying, "Kaitlin, watch it. Remember me and who I am." So as I continue to grow and trust in Him I hope I can be the vine that is not dependent on some bad stuff (I don't know much about vines) but on a strong, sturdy, stable thing that won't let me down. And I will be working on letting that be God.

changed forever

Let's see...life has been a whirlwind the past few months and it would take a book to talk about everything I have been through. But now I am at school for the summer working on my tan at the pool as a lifeguard! But there has been a lot of down time which is unusual for me. So getting used to it has been a transition.

So to preface a little bit. I spent the past semester in Colorado Springs, Colorado at Focus Leadership Institute. It was an...amazing experience. There are so many better words I can use for the semester but it's hard to put it in other words. I did a lot of reading, exploring the beautiful mountains of Colorado and had experiences and met people that have changed my life forever. And although that may sound so cliche and redundant it is so true and there are no other ways to explain it.

So being home now away from my amazing friends has been quite the transition. My class had 44 people in it and with classes together, meals together, living in apartments together, and pretty much doing everything together to being spread across the country has been hard. These people made me think and ask questions that I had never thought about before. I started thinking about things like:

Why am I the way I am?

What has shaped me?

Is what I believe really real?

What baffles my mind and breaks my heart?

Where do I see myself in a few years; school-wise, spiritually, ect?

What is one attribute about God that annoys or upsets you the most?

...and many others. My class mates and I wrestled with what it means to be a young Christian adult in todays culture and society and how we can be world changers. How we can bring the truth and light of Christ to a world who is so against us. I learned so much and I know I will be processing it for years to come. Which will be the fun part.

I only wish I wasn't 16 hours from my closet friend.

"I'm not going back....I'm moving ahead."

FINALS! ahhhhh I hate finals week. There are pros and cons I guess. Pros: it is the end of the semester and classes are finally over! Plus the holiday season is right around the corner :) and Christmas trees are everywhere! cons: the work. I mean how can professors expect you to cram everything you learned from the whole semester into one test and only have a week or so to do it all...AND have one for each class. I get the point but it is still tough. Walking around campus this weekend there was an ominous feeling. Like everyone was anxious but dead at the same time. I for one do not really want to go home for break. My school has turned into a home for me. With my friends and just having my schedule and everything here. It is always good to be here. I love my family, I do. But there is just something about being at school and growing up that makes me want to stay.

I also want to stay because next semester I am not coming back. I am studying away for a semester out in Colorado Springs, Colorado at Focus Leadership Institute! I am really excited to go out there and more excited about the experiences I will have and the friends I will make. BUT the down side is I do not get to see my friends for a really long time. I was thinking about it driving to church this morning and I almost cried (and I am not a crier) It is so sad. I know it will be a good experience but it will be different. I am ready to grow in my faith and leadership and just in myself. I am excited to see how much I change after a semester out there. So this week is going to be hard for me....as well as studying, I have to pack and say good bye to my best friends until I can see them again in April. *sigh*

...well back to studying!

bad moods

I hate bad moods. Especially when you do not know why you are really in a bad mood. And every little thing gets you frustrated or mad. I had one of those days today. Little things just seemed to get me frustrated. And that would get me more frustrated. Why do we let ourselves get that way? why do we let little things bother us so much?

I am reading the book Eat Pray Love and the author is in Rome. She talks about how the Italians are so laid back and don't let many things bother them. I wish America could be like that sometimes. We seem so self centered and focused on our own self we become too concerned about ourselves. By doing that, it seems, everything is a big deal. People don't like us? no worries! Family is bothering you? no worries!

I want to learn to live with no worries and not let the little things bother me. Just to take a deep breath and relax when the world around you is going crazy! But I do not have the money to go to Rome to figure that out. So I guess I will stay at home and go from there.

busy bee

I have been working so much the whole summer and haven't had a chance to write a lot. Which is kind of a bummer because I have come to realize I really like to write, journal, ect. It is fun. My thoughts always seem to be in tangle so I write to be able to understand them better haha. I guess that is a good thing. Writing for me can sometimes help me think through a problem.

Well it was my mom's birthday yesterday and we had a lot of fun. My brothers and sister and I (plus my mom) went to a flee market in the morning and surprisingly everyone acted nice. No fights and we all enjoyed ourselves.

I wich I had more to write but I am currently drawing a blank. I must run to the back though to deposit a pay check :) So I will have to say peace!