"when we go forward we miss the things we leave behind, that's what make our hearts so full."

Its' weird how fast I've grown up, so to say. I went to my youngest brother and sisters graduation tonight from eighth grade and it was strange. I don't remember mine at all. Just bits and pieces. After the ceremony I was walking through all the new graduates hugging and crying like they would never see each other again. To my other brother he laughed and wondered why they were taking it so seriously but at their point in life it is huge for them. And it must be weird going to a new place next year. I know I was scared. I went from a class of 108 to a class of 500 and it was weird. I miss the days where worrying about friends and what to wear was the worst of my worries. I go back to my old middle school and elementary school and I know few of the teachers because all the teachers that taught me are slowly retiring.

I've come to see the value of old memories and activities. But as much as i miss the old days I know I have to move on because that is a part of growing up. I have played field hockey for 8 years and I decided not to continue this fall. It has always been a part of who I am. I know people stereotype me as an athlete (and some of those stereotypes aren't good) But this year at school I have kind of decided to start over. In growing up I am in the process of finding myself and I am changing some of my priorities. I know I'll miss it and my friends on the team but its not over. And like those kids in 8th grade don't know, i'll still see my friends. But "as we go forward we miss the things we leave behind. That's what makes our hearts so full."

I'm not quite sure if any of that made sense or was necessary, just trying to think out loud. :)

draw me closer

So I got a new cd called Ordinary Dreamers by Group 1 Crew and I love it! Some of the songs really express what I have been feeling lately and I feel God through it.

This is the chorus of one of their songs....Closer:

Take my life, I need you now
Draw me closer draw me closer
I'm on my knees, I'm crying out
Draw me closer I want to be closer to you

I like it a lot! And it kinda goes along with my life right now. Just some things to ponder.

dreams

what I find in my dreams are what are special to me

but when I bring those dreams back into reality....

I can only dream.

We're the kids...we're the kids...we're the kids of the future

I got a text from my roommate this morning saying "Don't fear the future, God's already there." I am a college student and lets say I think of the future a lot. Like what kind of major do I want to take to get a good job? What kind of job do I want? Always about the future.....I feel like I am not old enough to be making these decisions that are being forced upon me.

Like for instance I play field hockey at the college I go to and I am currently deciding whether or not I want to play next year. I have played for 8 years and it has been my life for that long. I love the sport but feel God pulling me in other directions. But I am not sure if it is really him or my head.

You know from Mulan where, I think it is in Mulan II, where she is talking to these three princesses about their arranged marriages and they ask about what she would listen to her heart or her head. And she said she would listen to her heart. I wish I could do that. My heart and head seemed to be intertwined that I can not tell the difference.

There is a song by DHT called "Listen to your heart":

Listen to your heart

when he's calling for you

listen to your heart

there's nothing else you can do

I don't know where you're going

and I don't know why

but listen to your heart

before you tell him goodbye

I like the song and those lyrics are really nice. I know I need to start listening to my heart and to God. It will be hard I know because sometimes my heart can feel things that are wrong. But that is why I have God on my side.

This is still hard for me to figure out what I need to decide. But I know God's plans for me will come and they will not be late. (Habakkuk 2:3)

sorry I rambled I am a bit drained

afraid of fear?

I was thinking today about a lot of things and I was working on some homework and there was this article about fears.

Fear (says wikipedia) "is an emotional response to a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such aspain or the threat of danger." There are fears that can paralyze your body and some can paralyze your mind. One thing I am most afraid of is people seeing me vulnerable or being vulnerable. So to avoid that I put up walls. When my ex broke up with me I did not want him to see me hurt, so that he would never know how bad it hurt, I acted like it was fine. When my friends hurt me or my family I act like it is fine because I am afraid people will see me vulnerable and able to get hurt. So I act tough.

That is kinda funny because I am not a very tough looking person. I am about 5 ft 5 in, dirty blonde hair and not very frightening.

Afraid of vulnerability has hurt, in some ways, my walk with Christ. It has hindered me in fully committing myself to him and being able to feel vulnerable and giving Him my all. What I seem to be most scared of is giving everything and not being accepted and also being hurt in the process. I know the facts of God never leaving but it is hard sometimes to have faith in the unseen. When in life I have been hurt by people I can see it is a strange concept sometimes to trust in something/someone who is not there. And as a Christian I sometimes do struggle with this.

I just lost my train of thought....but just something to chew on :)

Happy (late) Easter!

Good Friday

Today is Good Friday and sometimes it is good to just set aside some time for thought. I am home for Easter break and the sun is shinning and the weather is amazing! It is weird to think that today, thousands of years ago, Christ was crucified. It is strange to think that he would do that for someone like me and someone like you. For everyone: the murderer, the widow, the CEO and the waitress. I was just sitting in my room earlier and one song came to mind. It is called Why by Nichole Nordeman. It is an amazing song that day in the past the day Christ was hung on that cross. The first time I heard it I think I cried.

I remember playing it for one of my classes in high school and there was a silence after it finished. It makes you think and it is a beautiful song. I hope you get a chance to listen to it this Easter season and think about what Christ did for you because he loves you. It was weird to think how much in a week things had changed for Christ. He walked into Jerusalem on a donkey and people were praising his entry and then just 5 days later those same people were yelling "crucify! blasphemer!" and wanted him dead.

I think I am going to enjoy the beautiful weather outside. I hope everyone has a great Easter with family and stop to think of why we celebrate this day. The day we celebrate His resurrection and the beginning of new life! :)

left out

I hate feeling left out. It something I think everyone hates. You know that feeling where it feels like everyone knows something and you do not. The feeling you get when your best friends are hiding things in their life from you or when they are replacing you for someone new and you did not do anything wrong. Yea it kinda stinks. I also hate confrontation...I am so not good at it. I don't like calling people out on things because I feel mean.

This all probably sounds so melodramatic and sappy. But you know when you get in one of those moods that you can not get out of. Yeah I've been stuck in this one for a while and it is only when I am in my dorm room.

I also haven't talked to my heavenly Father in a while and I think that might be hurting me too.

Well this one is short but I think I am going to journal.

Bye