"I'm not going back....I'm moving ahead."

FINALS! ahhhhh I hate finals week. There are pros and cons I guess. Pros: it is the end of the semester and classes are finally over! Plus the holiday season is right around the corner :) and Christmas trees are everywhere! cons: the work. I mean how can professors expect you to cram everything you learned from the whole semester into one test and only have a week or so to do it all...AND have one for each class. I get the point but it is still tough. Walking around campus this weekend there was an ominous feeling. Like everyone was anxious but dead at the same time. I for one do not really want to go home for break. My school has turned into a home for me. With my friends and just having my schedule and everything here. It is always good to be here. I love my family, I do. But there is just something about being at school and growing up that makes me want to stay.

I also want to stay because next semester I am not coming back. I am studying away for a semester out in Colorado Springs, Colorado at Focus Leadership Institute! I am really excited to go out there and more excited about the experiences I will have and the friends I will make. BUT the down side is I do not get to see my friends for a really long time. I was thinking about it driving to church this morning and I almost cried (and I am not a crier) It is so sad. I know it will be a good experience but it will be different. I am ready to grow in my faith and leadership and just in myself. I am excited to see how much I change after a semester out there. So this week is going to be hard for me....as well as studying, I have to pack and say good bye to my best friends until I can see them again in April. *sigh*

...well back to studying!

bad moods

I hate bad moods. Especially when you do not know why you are really in a bad mood. And every little thing gets you frustrated or mad. I had one of those days today. Little things just seemed to get me frustrated. And that would get me more frustrated. Why do we let ourselves get that way? why do we let little things bother us so much?

I am reading the book Eat Pray Love and the author is in Rome. She talks about how the Italians are so laid back and don't let many things bother them. I wish America could be like that sometimes. We seem so self centered and focused on our own self we become too concerned about ourselves. By doing that, it seems, everything is a big deal. People don't like us? no worries! Family is bothering you? no worries!

I want to learn to live with no worries and not let the little things bother me. Just to take a deep breath and relax when the world around you is going crazy! But I do not have the money to go to Rome to figure that out. So I guess I will stay at home and go from there.

busy bee

I have been working so much the whole summer and haven't had a chance to write a lot. Which is kind of a bummer because I have come to realize I really like to write, journal, ect. It is fun. My thoughts always seem to be in tangle so I write to be able to understand them better haha. I guess that is a good thing. Writing for me can sometimes help me think through a problem.

Well it was my mom's birthday yesterday and we had a lot of fun. My brothers and sister and I (plus my mom) went to a flee market in the morning and surprisingly everyone acted nice. No fights and we all enjoyed ourselves.

I wich I had more to write but I am currently drawing a blank. I must run to the back though to deposit a pay check :) So I will have to say peace!

"when we go forward we miss the things we leave behind, that's what make our hearts so full."

Its' weird how fast I've grown up, so to say. I went to my youngest brother and sisters graduation tonight from eighth grade and it was strange. I don't remember mine at all. Just bits and pieces. After the ceremony I was walking through all the new graduates hugging and crying like they would never see each other again. To my other brother he laughed and wondered why they were taking it so seriously but at their point in life it is huge for them. And it must be weird going to a new place next year. I know I was scared. I went from a class of 108 to a class of 500 and it was weird. I miss the days where worrying about friends and what to wear was the worst of my worries. I go back to my old middle school and elementary school and I know few of the teachers because all the teachers that taught me are slowly retiring.

I've come to see the value of old memories and activities. But as much as i miss the old days I know I have to move on because that is a part of growing up. I have played field hockey for 8 years and I decided not to continue this fall. It has always been a part of who I am. I know people stereotype me as an athlete (and some of those stereotypes aren't good) But this year at school I have kind of decided to start over. In growing up I am in the process of finding myself and I am changing some of my priorities. I know I'll miss it and my friends on the team but its not over. And like those kids in 8th grade don't know, i'll still see my friends. But "as we go forward we miss the things we leave behind. That's what makes our hearts so full."

I'm not quite sure if any of that made sense or was necessary, just trying to think out loud. :)

draw me closer

So I got a new cd called Ordinary Dreamers by Group 1 Crew and I love it! Some of the songs really express what I have been feeling lately and I feel God through it.

This is the chorus of one of their songs....Closer:

Take my life, I need you now
Draw me closer draw me closer
I'm on my knees, I'm crying out
Draw me closer I want to be closer to you

I like it a lot! And it kinda goes along with my life right now. Just some things to ponder.

dreams

what I find in my dreams are what are special to me

but when I bring those dreams back into reality....

I can only dream.

We're the kids...we're the kids...we're the kids of the future

I got a text from my roommate this morning saying "Don't fear the future, God's already there." I am a college student and lets say I think of the future a lot. Like what kind of major do I want to take to get a good job? What kind of job do I want? Always about the future.....I feel like I am not old enough to be making these decisions that are being forced upon me.

Like for instance I play field hockey at the college I go to and I am currently deciding whether or not I want to play next year. I have played for 8 years and it has been my life for that long. I love the sport but feel God pulling me in other directions. But I am not sure if it is really him or my head.

You know from Mulan where, I think it is in Mulan II, where she is talking to these three princesses about their arranged marriages and they ask about what she would listen to her heart or her head. And she said she would listen to her heart. I wish I could do that. My heart and head seemed to be intertwined that I can not tell the difference.

There is a song by DHT called "Listen to your heart":

Listen to your heart

when he's calling for you

listen to your heart

there's nothing else you can do

I don't know where you're going

and I don't know why

but listen to your heart

before you tell him goodbye

I like the song and those lyrics are really nice. I know I need to start listening to my heart and to God. It will be hard I know because sometimes my heart can feel things that are wrong. But that is why I have God on my side.

This is still hard for me to figure out what I need to decide. But I know God's plans for me will come and they will not be late. (Habakkuk 2:3)

sorry I rambled I am a bit drained

afraid of fear?

I was thinking today about a lot of things and I was working on some homework and there was this article about fears.

Fear (says wikipedia) "is an emotional response to a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such aspain or the threat of danger." There are fears that can paralyze your body and some can paralyze your mind. One thing I am most afraid of is people seeing me vulnerable or being vulnerable. So to avoid that I put up walls. When my ex broke up with me I did not want him to see me hurt, so that he would never know how bad it hurt, I acted like it was fine. When my friends hurt me or my family I act like it is fine because I am afraid people will see me vulnerable and able to get hurt. So I act tough.

That is kinda funny because I am not a very tough looking person. I am about 5 ft 5 in, dirty blonde hair and not very frightening.

Afraid of vulnerability has hurt, in some ways, my walk with Christ. It has hindered me in fully committing myself to him and being able to feel vulnerable and giving Him my all. What I seem to be most scared of is giving everything and not being accepted and also being hurt in the process. I know the facts of God never leaving but it is hard sometimes to have faith in the unseen. When in life I have been hurt by people I can see it is a strange concept sometimes to trust in something/someone who is not there. And as a Christian I sometimes do struggle with this.

I just lost my train of thought....but just something to chew on :)

Happy (late) Easter!

Good Friday

Today is Good Friday and sometimes it is good to just set aside some time for thought. I am home for Easter break and the sun is shinning and the weather is amazing! It is weird to think that today, thousands of years ago, Christ was crucified. It is strange to think that he would do that for someone like me and someone like you. For everyone: the murderer, the widow, the CEO and the waitress. I was just sitting in my room earlier and one song came to mind. It is called Why by Nichole Nordeman. It is an amazing song that day in the past the day Christ was hung on that cross. The first time I heard it I think I cried.

I remember playing it for one of my classes in high school and there was a silence after it finished. It makes you think and it is a beautiful song. I hope you get a chance to listen to it this Easter season and think about what Christ did for you because he loves you. It was weird to think how much in a week things had changed for Christ. He walked into Jerusalem on a donkey and people were praising his entry and then just 5 days later those same people were yelling "crucify! blasphemer!" and wanted him dead.

I think I am going to enjoy the beautiful weather outside. I hope everyone has a great Easter with family and stop to think of why we celebrate this day. The day we celebrate His resurrection and the beginning of new life! :)

left out

I hate feeling left out. It something I think everyone hates. You know that feeling where it feels like everyone knows something and you do not. The feeling you get when your best friends are hiding things in their life from you or when they are replacing you for someone new and you did not do anything wrong. Yea it kinda stinks. I also hate confrontation...I am so not good at it. I don't like calling people out on things because I feel mean.

This all probably sounds so melodramatic and sappy. But you know when you get in one of those moods that you can not get out of. Yeah I've been stuck in this one for a while and it is only when I am in my dorm room.

I also haven't talked to my heavenly Father in a while and I think that might be hurting me too.

Well this one is short but I think I am going to journal.

Bye

Songs.....

So I think I am going to write down some of my songs that I have written over the years. Well bits and pieces of songs that I think of during classes when I should be paying attention. :x

This is one part I wrote when I was younger. I was kind of trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life....no pressure right :).... but here it is:

becoming me is what im trying to be
to find my footing
on a shattered pathway
following a spinning compass
but i'll end up
becoming me

Letter writing...a dead art form??

So I was reading my devotional book last night, It is called Totally 4 God's by Megan Clinton. It is a great book if you want a good devotional (it is more aimed towards young women) but it is so great! There are so many things that I can relate to. And what makes it good is that she is my age! And she is going through the same things....well just food for thought.

Anyways....in the devo last night it was talking about how relationships are changing around us. I can look on my facebook page and go through my friends and see that I rarely talk to more than half of them anymore. So why have these friends? Just to say you know a lot of people?

I also think it is weird that we are communicating more and more through technology, ok I know I am doing it right now, but it has become such a huge part of our lives. I admit I do use a lot of technology and then I started to think when was the last time I sat down and wrote a letter to a friend. My cousin goes to school in Tennessee, so I rarely get to see her, so why not write a letter?

My roomates theology class professor challenged his class to go on a media fast until the end of the semester. That is 7 more weeks! No music, movies, facebook, and twitter. (they are allowed to use the computer for email, once a day, and school work) I fast from facebook once a week and it is hard for me sometimes. I could not do without music though. That is my life. But who knows maybe giving up something little by little to see how much you really need it. And be able to start focusing on your relationships in real life, not over the airwaves.

I told myself, last night, that I am going to start writing letters to my friends at other schools (and on campus too! Who does not like mail? ) just to keep in touch, you know, the old fashion way :) People did it years ago, why can't we.

Well just some thoughts to ponder. I have to go write a letter :)

Friends first...

So I recently stumbled upon this old blog of mine. I have written one thing on it. One of my new years resolutions was to step out of my comfort zone so here is one way. Put my life online! So I guess i'll see how this goes I highly doubt anyone will read this but who knows.

A little about myself...I am a college student at a small college in Pa...kinda near Philly. I like the school a lot and I am making some great friends here!

So blah blah blah that is all kind of boring so I'll try to think of something more interesting to write about.

Recently I have decided to give up dating for a while. Now before you start to jump to an assumption. Let me fill you in. I am not, on my terms or anything, not attractive (wow that sounds conceited) I guess I can be called decent looking. Not like a Kate Hudson or Jennifer Aniston. But I do not think I am ugly, per say. Also I am not on the other end of the spectrum...like I am not a slut going after every guy and I need a break.

I have given up dating to get back to basics. You know, before dating enveloped our lives. Remember back when you could run around and play with who ever you wanted and it did not matter if you were dating someone or they were dating someone. It was just fun to hang out with people of the opposite gender. FOR FUN! How many times have you done that? If alot??? I admit I am jealous of you.

I sometimes wish I could hang out with a guy, for fun, and not let people get the wrong assumptions. (Same with me though) I grew up learning that if a guy wanted to hang out it means he likes you....in a romantic way. I grew up in a small town and when guys and girls hung out it usually meant they were hooking up. So when a guy asks to hang out...sometimes I admit I can get the wrong idea.

But there are times I wish people could just get over romance and just be friends. I want to marry my best friend. So in order to do that you have to be friends first, right?? I read a lot and a few of the books I have read are about friends and a guy liking the girl and vice versa... they are first. Then that friendship turns into love and they live happily ever after. (sometimes) I am not saying that that always happens.....hey i like to read Nicholas Sparks :) But you know....

just some thoughts to chew on :)

ps...i ramble sometimes :)